Know anyone set up by "the system" for abuse? By alcoholism or any -isms?

Kimberly Perry • December 9, 2019

Some say "we are as sick as our secrets." What say you?

When I first began attending Al-anon meetings years ago, I learned that alcoholism is a family disease ( Al-anon is a faith-based 12 step recovery program for overcoming codependency when someone's drinking is bothersome, whereas AA meetings are for people overcoming their own excessive drinking or alcoholism). Alcoholism sets up an unhealthy family system increasing the risks and vulnerabilities of abuse. It affects not only the person who drinks, but those who care about him or her. The effects of this disease are often passed from one generation to another. When I heard a description of some of those effects, I recognized a profile of myself and our family dynamics of sorts. For the first time in my life I was with people who knew what I was going through. The only difference was, no one drank in my immediate family or home life - it was my grandparents drinking that apparently bothered me by skipping a generation. I grew up in a "dry alcoholic" home -- with a lot of love - - but also the broken communication, confusing relating styles and black and white thinking patterns affected by the family disease of alcoholism.Also, while teaching for 15 years and working with over a few thousand different kids and families, Al-anon proved to be a strong support for wisdom ininteracting with every family type or school system, in which some suffer from the effects of alcoholism, whether it was the principal, teachers or parents.I may not have ever seen that person drinking excessively, but the dynamics, personality traits, signs and symptoms of alcoholism were certainly there!

Similarly, I learned in Celebrate Recovery (a Christian faith-based 12 step recovery program) that the harms of alcoholism can be replaced with any addiction or "- ism" such as workaholism, sexaholism, narcissism, perfectionism, rage-aholism, judgementalism, drug addiction, food or sugar addiction, codependency (or co-addiction trying to control people, places and things , especially in relating to someone addicted ) or anything done in excess when someone is powerless over it and life has become unmanageable internally or externally. Addiction or any "- ism" is no respecter of persons - rich or poor, educated or not, highly functioning or homeless on the streets, visible or invisible to the public - the hurts, habits and hang ups of addiction can be devastating to everyone in the family and communities. Consider "the systems of abuse" (i.e. sex trafficking rings, per say)set up bythe addictions within Nassar and the gymnastics world , various church denominations , #MeToo in Hollywood , Epstein's Island and his black book of child abusers, where porn addiction, sex addiction and child sexual abuse has run rampant for YEARS!

And, healing and recovery are possible!

Throughout the years, Al-anon has offered me a way to do my part in breaking this family pattern, which can cycle through the generations - until someone STOPS it. I can get off the merry-go-round by choosing recovery (return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength and find or regain possession of something stolen or lost) . Also, I feel so grateful that many in my family at large and on both sides, are choosing healing and recovery as we all become healthier. Feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired can motivate us to share the "family secrets" with others in a safe place, such as an Al-anon setting, so we are not as sick as our secrets anymore. I feel so blessed because I have a safe, confidential and anonymous place to go in Al-anon meetings, 7 days a week 365 days a year to share my heart or any "secrets" that need to be healed in the light of others who listen with unconditional love. Do you?

Connecting the dots between alcoholism (or any "- ism") and abuse with a real life story.

Unfortunately, alcoholism and sexual abuse can go hand in hand. In fact, according to Adult and Teen Challenge , a big reason they helped publish Committed to Freedom, written by Sallie Culbreth, was to help students who were victims of sexual abuse – a major topic of concern, since a majority of women and men at Teen Challenge suffer from sexual abuse.

One courageous woman shares her real life story about recovering from the negative effects of alcoholism in her family, plus the harms from child sexual abuse.

______________________________________________

 Anonymous Real Life Story - Part I (written by a 71 year old women, although she was in her late 30's when she wrote this reflection)

When I was 19 years old, my Mom died of a stroke. Her death was unexpected. She hadn't even reached her 50th birthday. Dad died ten years later, but his death was expected. Dad died of cirrhosis of the liver caused by excessive drinking. It took me a long time to realize what effect his drinking has had on my three sisters and me, and even my children.

 We never talked about dad's drinking and never shared how we kids felt about it. As I look back, I realize Mom felt she had no other choice, but to put up a brave front to the world and pretend everything was fine. My Mom was concert pianist and my Dad was in sales. We lived with the appearance of having money, although so much of the money went toward alcohol, even though there were four girls to raise.Since we didn't talk about the problem, it didn't exist, and therefore had no negative effects on us as children. After Dad's death, my youngest sister developed a problem with rebellious behavior and excessive drinking, but I never realized how serious things were until the phone call four years ago. She was in the hospital detox center. She asked me and my sisters to go to a program about alcoholism.

 I learned that alcoholics have a physical as well as psychological disease, which hurts not only the alcoholic, but intimate family relationships. With this information, I was able to see my Dad in a different light. Since that time, the Lord in His gracious and loving way, showed me how I, as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACA), was formed to act and re-act in life. There is a devastating effect on the children, and this disease even exerts a negative influence on the second generation, the grand-children.

Children raised in an alcoholic family learn even before they can comprehend, three basics to survival: don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. I have learned many things about myself as an ACA. When I do not trust, I am unable to trust God. Not only that, I had limited God in His power and love by confusing Him with my biological Father, the man who raised me. I have needed to deliberately separate my God-concept and my Father-concept, to know truly all the love and power of my heavenly Father.

We weren't allow to express how we felt because we had to be perfect for Mom. Mom was powerless to do anything about Dad, but she could work at making us perfect. Talking and feeling are related. If I didn't know how I felt, I couldn't talk about it. Now I am learning how I feel, and giving myself permission to feel, yet I struggle to express myself. It isn't easy because I haven't had much experience and negative feelings tend to surface rather than positive feelings. These days, I work at opening up to my loved ones, talking, and expressing my feelings. It is a struggle sometimes, but wonderful to get free from the denial of the past!

God showed me that the coping mechanism I use to survive is control. I need to make sure that people and events around me do not hand me any unexpected surprises. This is really a tough problem to overcome! So I work at turning people and circumstances over to God and I am gaining His peace. I thought my problems relating to others were solely from my Dad's alcoholism. I have realized that my Mom, in her reactions to my Dad, gave me a role model of control, denial of reality, and learning to react, not act to situations.

About the same time that I understood what the letters ACA meant, our church was sovereignly guided into a healing ministry for people sick in body and spirit, especially those who were raised in dysfunctional homes. When I realized this term described my background, God indicated that he had release for me and began the process which continues to this day. In a loving and non-judgemental group setting with Christians who are trained to this task, I have been able to express my pain and grief and anger toward my parents; to my Mom for denying the reality of alcoholism and to my Dad who was in bondage to alcohol. God is healing me and forgiveness becomes a natural process. I help minister to hurting people in our church and have been able to share the process of healing with others. I am able to share my past and help bring healing and release to others.

The part you don't know about is that I was also sexually abused by my dad. The reason this part does not show up in the above reflection during my late 30's is because I did not have memories of the abuse until I was in my early 40's.

Stay tuned for Part II of my story in an upcoming newsletter/blog - that is a whole other story to tell.
Meanwhile, I encourage you to share a Say "NO!" and TELL! book with a child. We cannot judge our insides against someone else's outsides. In other words, we may not always REALLY know what goes on inside the home of a child, when that door shuts for the night. One powerful way to make a difference is to share this prevention message through the Say "NO!" and TELL! books - what others do with it is up to them. However, our boldness may just help save or protect another child, which makes it all worth it!

Navigating Conversations with Teens about Emotions, Sexuality and Safety

By Kimberly Perry • September 6, 2024
Feeling puzzled about starting these healthy conversations with teens?

Because of many of you I am heading to Washington DC!

By Kimberly Perry • July 27, 2024
Say "NO!" and TELL! books go to capital of USA!

A Refresh on Boundaries for All Ages Today

By Kimberly Perry • May 10, 2024
Has Someone Crossed the Line? Have you crossed someone's boundaries? Clarifying and maintaining boundaries is a lifelong practice and skill for all ages, especially today in our tech world. My friend Barb Winters has written a thought-provoking guest blog so we can "let it begin with me" by reflecting on our own boundaries day to day. Plus she relates boundaries in a relevant way to our culture by connecting to tech and our youth. A Refresh on Boundaries for All Ages Today In a world of child sexual abuse material (CSAM), pornography, hookup culture, and predators, understanding why boundaries are important is paramount. The following is an excerpt from Barb Winters’ book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships . I ruffled my son’s hair. “Good job.” He had finished his science project and was walking it to the living room to show his dad. “You messed up my hair.” He appeared less than thrilled. “But it’s so soft,” I said playfully. “Mom, stop. I don’t like when you get in my space.” I paused. I guess he was growing up and no longer appreciated his mommy touching him without permission. “Sorry. I’ll try to be more respectful.” I can’t boast that I’ve always heard my children’s requests or taken them seriously. I also can’t promise I never ruffled my son’s hair again—I may have slipped once or twice. But as I mature, I’m learning to listen to others when they attempt to communicate their boundaries. Teaching Teens When teaching preteens and teens at local schools, we emphasize the importance of setting and communicating boundaries. A healthy person institutes boundaries. Healthy relationships incorporate boundaries. A boundary is a limit. It’s a border, an invisible line drawn to express parameters—what we deem as acceptable and unacceptable in various areas of life. Think of a fence or lines on a road. The lines mark the area where it’s safe to drive. If we veer over the line, we’re in danger of hitting an oncoming car or going into a ditch. I like boundaries. I find them comforting. Not everyone appreciates limitations and rules, but I feel safer knowing them and staying within their confines. I’d much rather my son tell me not to touch his hair, even though this signal that he was growing up saddened me, than for him to resent me because I crossed a boundary I didn’t know existed. Our goal as caregivers is to help our children (1) comprehend why they need boundaries (2) recognize which areas of life need boundaries (3) set their boundaries (4) communicate their boundaries to others Boundaries protect us. Many people rebel against rules and regulations. Society conditions us to resist guidelines and directives, as if those “other people” are trying to control, manipulate, and reign over us. Hormonal teens, trying to find their place in the world and testing their limits, can adopt this stance. Our objective is to turn this thinking around so they view boundaries as friendly and an essential component of life. When I tell teens we turn off the Wi-Fi every night at 11:00 p.m. in our household, they look at me as if I’ve lost my mind and ruined my children for life. But I purposefully mention this line to reveal this fact: because I love my children, I want to safeguard them. My job is to protect them from predators and help them resist temptation late at night. I am relieving them of the burden of saying no to pornography, late-night gaming, and social media drama—and improving their ability to say yes to a good night’s sleep and a well-rested body. A Universal Human Need for Boundaries Boundaries are necessary in multiple areas of life. We set our alarms. We create budgets. We watch our caloric intake. We limit our interactions with people who push our buttons. And we obey traffic signals. These are all boundaries—ones we’ve set for ourselves and ones established by others. To some extent, these lines exist in all areas of life, but let’s look at some specific areas that benefit relationships. We want the next generation to set these boundaries as soon as possible, before it’s necessary to exercise them. In the physical area, within a romantic relationship, help your children establish how far they will go sexually before marriage. Discuss the options, lay out the benefits of waiting for intercourse, read Scripture, and pray with them. Walk them through the stages of physical intimacy, including holding hands, kissing, and other sexual activity leading up to intercourse, being as explicit as possible for their age. Help them choose their line, their stopping point, but allow them to make the choice. When comfortable, tell personal stories—your choices and the benefits and/or consequences to your decisions. Offer advice if they ask, but don’t decide for them. Preteens and teens are more apt to adhere to limits, to say no when pressured, if they set their boundaries themselves. Determine boundaries around screen time and social media. Get their buy-in by asking for their input and listening to their reasoning. Ask their opinion about consequences when needed. The parameters established in your home depend on your children’s ages, maturity level, and history. Some children are more vulnerable than others. Some have a more addictive nature than others. As they mature, adapt the guidelines. Hopefully, as adults, they will continue to place limits on their screen time. Understanding Boundary Violations Additionally, help your children decipher acceptable and unacceptable behaviors within friendships, partnerships, and family. Do your children like teasing? How close is too close? Do others listen to their ideas? Do they have the freedom to make decisions within relationships, or do others always demand their way? Are they confident enough to interact with other people responsibly? Do they encounter abusive behavior? Are they treated with respect and kindness? Do others pressure them when they say no? Are they looking for red flags? Do your children know when someone crosses a line? How will they respond? We want the next generation to regard these borders as positive and protective so, as they mature into adulthood, they continue to set them and say no to people who push for more. After they’ve determined their boundaries, help your children communicate those boundaries. . . . Voicing boundaries is important. The sooner we empower our children to set and communicate boundaries, the better equipped they will be for the future. Teach them to state their limitations in a kind manner and say “no” when the lines are ignored. If someone continuously pushes their limits, they may need to change the approach to the relationship. It’s reasonable to set our own boundaries and adhere to others’ limits. Acknowledging and appreciating others’ boundaries is important. This give-and-take contributes to a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. Barb Winter's Biography: Barb Winters is the mom of a recovered pornography addict, certified Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, and founder of Hopeful Mom: supporting parents in an online world , where she offers encouragement and practical advice to parents and leaders. As Lead Facilitator at E3 Family Solutions, Inc., Barb equips students to make healthy choices and empowers parents to aid their children. She’s a sought-after podcast and blogsite guest, published in numerous magazines, serves on anti-pornography committees, speaks at seminars, and advocates for human trafficking awareness. Barb's book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships , released August 8, 2023. She and her husband reside in Florida, near two of their four children. Connect with Barb at HopefulMom.net.

Nurture Your Children Toward Healthier Choices 

By Kimberly Perry • December 13, 2023
How does body safety and choosing healthy foods with kids connect? Well, we can practice decision-making, wellness, self-care affirmative feedback and positive body image as it relates to food to name a few, which can lay the foundation for teaching body safety. Because, when we consider our personal nutrition and relationship with food, we connect to our bodies. Supporting children in growing healthy self- images with nutrition, as an example, teaches them self-care - they learn their hearts, minds and bodies are worth it! Plus, I like to strengthen the WeStandGuard.com content with a variety of other supportive topics beyond body safety, yet so closely related such as self-care. Check out guest blog by Anya Willis @ Fitkids.info Nurture Your Children Toward Healthier Choices Navigating the myriad of lifestyle choices in today's world can be overwhelming, particularly for children. Thus, it's crucial for parents to step in and guide their youngsters toward making healthier decisions. While it’s not always easy, there are several things you can do to make the process fun for your little ones. This article offers a comprehensive set of advice and resources that can assist parents in instilling healthy habits in their children. Let's get started. Involving Kids in Decision-Making Involving children in meal planning and grocery shopping can greatly enhance their interest in healthier eating. Giving them a voice in food choices fosters a sense of ownership and encourages them to be open to nutritional options. One effective method is to collaboratively create a shopping list, or you might allow them to help you cook dinner . Another strategy is to allow them to pick out a new fruit or vegetable each week as a way to diversify their palate. These practices not only make children more receptive to healthy foods but also provide valuable learning experiences. Incorporate Nutritious Foods Mealtime offers a prime opportunity to enrich a child's diet with nutritious ingredients. Innovative approaches, like blending vegetables into smoothies or adding them to homemade muffins, can make the transition to healthy eating more enjoyable. The goal is to seamlessly weave nutrition into familiar foods , making it less of a chore for children to eat healthily. This creative incorporation aids in acclimating children to better eating practices without compromising on taste. Encourage Regular Physical Exercise Physical activity is vital for a child’s overall well-being. Family walks can be a fun and practical way to instill the habit of regular exercise. Moreover, if your neighborhood isn't pedestrian-friendly, look for an area with a high Walk Score of 70 or above to get your daily steps in. Such areas are generally safer and more conducive to walking, making it easier for your family to maintain an active lifestyle. Foster a Positive Body Image Media exposure can strongly influence children's views on body image, frequently presenting unattainable standards. Initiating conversations with your children about these media portrayals can help debunk myths about ideal body types. The emphasis should shift from chasing unrealistic images to adopting a balanced, healthy lifestyle. This approach aids in cultivating a positive body image and a healthier self-perception in children. Ignite Their Interests Each child has distinct interests that can significantly impact their well-being when explored. Identifying an activity that aligns with your child's passions can imbue them with a sense of purpose. Participation in extracurricular activities, whether it's art, sports, or technology , can enhance their social skills and offer alternative avenues for physical or mental engagement. This focused involvement can be instrumental in promoting a balanced, fulfilling lifestyle for your child. Utilize Affirmative Feedback Positive feedback is crucial for children, as it often serves as motivation to continue making good choices. When coming from trusted adults, this affirmation can be especially impactful. Commending your child for making healthy choices, such as choosing fruit over candy or practicing a new skill, encourages better decision-making. This cycle of affirmation and improved behavior reinforces the importance of positive reinforcement in a child's development. Guiding children to make healthier choices is a long-term commitment that demands both patience and resourcefulness. However, by utilizing the practical tips and methods outlined above, you’re well on your way to setting them up for a future of wellbeing. Foster their interest in nutrition, encourage physical activities, engage them in dialogues about body image, help them find activities they love, and use affirmation as a powerful motivational tool. This balanced approach will enable you to lead your children down the path to a fulfilling, healthy life. Have a question for the team at We Stand Guard ? Reach out today.

How are Your Kids Safe in this Digital Age?

By Kimberly Perry • September 22, 2023
What about the problem of sexting leading to sextortion leading to sex trafficking progression? Possibly, much to chagrin of many people recently watching the Sound of Freedom movie, these very real risks do not only happen overseas or far flung parts of the Earth. Sadly, the USA runs rampant with these atrocities, often leading the way in the consumption of it all.

How to Master Life Transitions Through Wholesome Habits

By Kimberly Perry • September 5, 2023
What challenges or gaps are you facing as the kids are growing up, which brings change as they transition from childhood to tweeners and teenagers. In addition to last month's blog on A Look at Self-Care Activities for Kids , here is an interesting look at your own self-care, especially during transitions with kids growing up. In fact, I visited my triplet nephews this past Labor Day weekend and my brother and I were cracking up since their PJ bottoms were like crop pants - they have grown taller as they begin middle school! Surprise!!! As a follow up to last month, check out Anya Willis' Part 2 guest blog on self-care (see more at https://fitkids.info/ ). Life is a roller coaster of changes, from new jobs and relationships to relocations and even crises. As disorienting as these major life transitions can be, they also offer a unique opportunity to reboot your habits and improve your overall well-being. Today, we will provide you with strategies to embrace these transformations and convert life's challenges into stepping stones for a better you, Turning Anxiety into Calm It's natural for stress levels to peak during transitions. However, these moments provide a chance to develop effective stress-management strategies . Start with acknowledging the stressors. Once you identify them, use mindfulness exercises, such as deep breathing or meditation, to mitigate their impact. Incorporating physical activity can also make a significant difference. Exercise releases endorphins, which naturally reduces stress. So, the next time you find yourself overwhelmed, remember to take a step back and focus on your well-being. Go Back to School Returning to school is one of the best ways to revitalize your life and open doors in terms of a future career. There are plenty of options out there, as well. For instance, if you’ve ever thought about pursuing an online bachelor's degree in nursing , now is the time. Online nurses are in high demand, and if you’re open to the flexibility that comes with internet-based learning platforms, you can work toward your degree on your own schedule, from the comfort of your own home. From Concept to Logo Major life transitions can also offer the ideal moment to venture into entrepreneurship. Begin with research. Understand your target market, potential challenges, and financial requirements. Once you have a comprehensive plan, move to the execution phase. When it comes to establishing a brand identity , create a memorable image using free online logo makers. These platforms offer an array of customizable designs to give your business a professional edge, and a well-designed logo can do wonders for brand recognition. Fostering Consistency Adjusting to a new chapter in life often requires a revamped routine. Consistency is the cornerstone of habit formation , and the best way to ensure this is by designing a daily routine that aligns with your newfound goals. This can be anything from a workout schedule to set times for personal and professional growth. Not only does this help in maintaining a balanced life, but it also solidifies the positive changes you aim to make. Legal and Financial Control through an LLC If you opt for the entrepreneurial route, forming an LLC ( limited liability company ) is crucial. This legal structure provides personal liability protection and offers several tax benefits. It signifies a critical step towards becoming your own boss, putting you in control of your business and, by extension, your destiny. Consider consulting professionals to help you navigate the complexities of forming an LLC. Balance Your Caffeine Intake For many, caffeine is a daily necessity. However, it's easy to go overboard, especially during stressful periods. If you must drink caffeine, take the time to learn more about the different coffee drinks available. Whether it's opting for a lighter roast or mixing in decaf, these choices can help you maintain energy levels without sacrificing sleep quality. Improve Your Social Circle Relationships play a crucial role during transitional phases. This is an ideal time to assess your social circle and make necessary adjustments. If certain relationships are toxic, it’s time to distance yourself. Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive individuals can significantly boost your emotional and psychological well-being. Repair Your Credit Transitions often have financial implications. Use this time to review your credit report and take steps to fix any inconsistencies or debts. By managing your finances effectively, you lessen stress and lay the foundation for a stable future. Goals with a Purpose: Mapping Your Journey Setting clearly defined goals that resonate with your core values is fundamental. They act as a roadmap, guiding you through challenges and keeping you centered. A detailed, step-by-step plan can greatly assist in achieving these goals, and the focus it brings can be an invaluable asset. The experience of undergoing a significant life transition can be exhilarating, daunting, and enriching all at once. Embracing these transitional phases with purposeful strategies can redefine challenges as opportunities for personal and professional growth. By applying the practices highlighted in this article, you're poised to emerge stronger, more empowered, and ready to seize future opportunities with aplomb.

A Look at Self-Care Activities for Kids

By Kimberly Perry • August 18, 2023
Self-care for everyone!

Are You or Your Kids Addicted to Technology?

By Kimberly Perry • July 22, 2023
Healthy tech habits for everyone!

Child Sexual Abuse includes Kids Seeing P*rnography

By Kimberly Perry • May 26, 2023
What ages are kids being exposed to porn? When to start talking about porn with kids. How to define porn for kids and why definitions are important. Practicing what to do (firedrill technique) How do we get their "buy in? How do we get kids to want to make the right choices? Healthy Screen Habit

Is Preventing the Nightmare of Child Trafficking Possible? 

By Kimberly Perry • May 9, 2023
Preventing child trafficking is possible.
Show More