Blog Post

How can an abuser hide in plain sight? Read a real life story... 

  • By Kimberly Perry
  • 01 Oct, 2018

#MeTooPrevention: a 5th real-life story

Self-Care vs. Threats, Bullying and Intimidation

Children can learn from what we say and even more by what we do. Self-care is so important to role-model as well as teach the younger generation so they can learn to be healthy and interdependent rather than codependent. For example, self-care can include physical needs (adequate sleep, food, exercise), emotional health (sharing feelings, conflict resolution skills, verbal expression),  healthy relationships (support, love, quality time), as well as a strong spiritual foundation by understanding God's unconditional love for us and every child, etc.

In general, we want to raise polite and respectful kids, however when a questionable encounter or dangerous situation happens, it is vital for kids to know what to do, such as say "NO!" to a grown-up or TELL someone else to get help. Instilling self-care and self-esteem within kids can help empower them to realize they have value and options to counter an abuser's attempts to threaten, bully or intimidate them, whenever possible.


Roll-play safe vs. unsafe scenarios!

It is so important to train our kids early, because the negative effects of child sexual abuse can be long-lasting (D2L.com). This is why I researched tactics an abuser may try toward a child and turned the tactics into eight positive life skills in the Say "NO!" and TELL! children's books for families to role-play together. The scenarios section provides eight stories to rehearse and role-play a safe or unsafe situation, which can help build kids confidence, tools and skills for handling a questionable encounter. Here is an example of a scenario to practice:
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Excerpt Scenario #7: Self- Care vs. Threats p. 20


Self Care Mini-story:The lifeguard blows his whistle and says it is time to get out of the pool and take a break from swimming. Your babysitter hands you a towel and says, “Dry off really well and get dressed in the locker room so we can grab dinner at the café.”

This can be SAFE! It is okay to take a towel and dry off at the pool with your swimsuit still on and take care of yourself by changing clothes in a private area in the locker room with a grown-up nearby.

VS.

Threats, Bullying and Intimidation Mini-story: The lifeguard blows his whistle and says it is time to get out of the pool and take a break from swimming. Your babysitter has a towel and says, “I will hold this towel up and help you take off your wet swimsuit so we can grab dinner at the café. If you don’t change clothes here, you will skip dinner and I’ll tell your parents you did not go to bed on time.”

This is UNSAFE! Say “NO!” to threats about private parts and TELL! It is not okay if someone demands that you take off your bathing suit or clothes in public - this violates (breaks) your privacy. A threat of withholding dinner or anything you need (not letting you take care of yourself properly) is wrong. It is not right for anyone to pressure or lie about you to get something they want – this is bullying and intimidation. TELL your parents right away or a trusted grown-up if this happens.

How would you take care of yourself if someone tried to threaten, bully or intimidate you about anyone’s private parts?

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A Real Life Story...

Our next anonymous writer shares about abuse that was hiding in plain sight from everyone because her step-dad used threats, bullying, intimidation and manipulation to control her. This story debunks the myth that sexual abuse of kids may have obvious or visible signs and symptoms somehow, but rather often remains hiding in plain sight because the vicitm is sworn to secrecy by threats.

***TRIGGER ALERT***
***Please be advised that this blog contains a sensitive story***

When I was 5 years old, my life changed forever…my parents divorced with my Daddy leaving on Christmas morning. I remember the confusion and the fear that swirled around me as I watched my two grown parents crying and telling me to be a big girl. Little did they know that soon I was to be treated like a “big girl” or, rather, a grown woman, by my soon to be stepfather.

My parents both remarried different people when I was 6, and my stepfather had already been sexually abusing me. He would take me shopping and tell me he would buy me something after he touched me in very private places, while manipulating me to comply and interact with him completely in this physical way. As a young girl, my stepfather forced me to participate in almost everything sexually, short of intercourse. Being terrified of not seeing my mom again, I felt I had to oblige him, which was horrifying.

He told me to never tell of this, as it was just “special” between us. He told me that God had brought him into my life to teach me how to be a good wife when I grew up. He also told me that if I ever told, no one would believe me, that my mom would go crazy and I would be left all alone with just him. Having my dad leave and move two hours away from me made me believe that this was possible - that I would truly be alone - and my parents were not able to protect me. He also told me that what we were doing was wrong, and God would punish me for participating in sexual acts with him. This was so confusing, and if I would trip, or slam my finger in a door, or some other form of accident, he was quick to point out and relate it back to “karma” for what “we were doing.” The psychological impact of that was pure confusion! I was alone and I thought even God was punishing me?!??!

The effects of this abuse caused me to shut down and to live a dual life. I can look back now and see how I stuffed my feelings and was not allowed to feel them. My step dad was very physically abusive as well and terrorized me whenever he had a chance to do so. If I was at all defiant, I was choked until I submitted. If I cried, I was beaten on the side and back of my head until I stopped. I was not allowed to cry unless there was blood.

So I didn’t know how to relate very well to others. I was isolated and became only able to survive. I was determined to survive as I knew there was more for me, more than this abusive, horrible life. I wanted to control areas of my life and the only thing I could do was to overachieve, and to create a huge contrast with what happened behind closed doors in the dark of night or when he barged into the bathroom while I was showering or in the tub. I became involved in many activities: 4-H (became president), basketball, volleyball, and track. I worked to get straight A’s in all of my classes. My life outside of the home was where I could exercise some form of control in my life. The abuse continued until I left home at age 18.

I was afraid of boys. Dating terrified and at the suggestion of anything sexual, it terrified me and made me think that all men were not interested in me, only for what I could do for them. In my heart of hearts, I knew this to be untrue, but I could not find evidence of it anywhere! Relationships with boys frightened me, but I so desperately wanted to date and to be asked out,but was terrified at the same time.

I had a hypersensitive “startle reflex” and to this day do not enjoy being scared. It feels very invasive and, as a mom of three boys, they have all been mystified by my response to them trying to scare me. I get mad, and they don’t get it. Through the years of healing, I’ve been able to release that terror and have a more appropriate response to being startled. When I did enter into psychotherapy at the age of 20, I had to learn all about feelings and begin to understand a simplistic list of “mad, sad, glad, ashamed, and afraid” on my 5 fingers. Three rhymed and two began with A. I had shut myself off from feelings for so long, I couldn’t articulate them when asked.

I believe reading a Say "No!" and TELL! book would have helped me because it would have helped me to hold onto that little voice inside of me that said this is wrong and someone out there knows it too. It would have encouraged me to tell my story and to keep telling it until someone believed me and would make it stop. A book like this is so valuable to stopping the generational effects of sexual abuse. I have learned that incest and sexual abuse goes back in my family line at least 4 generations. A book like this in any one of those generations would have equipped the victims to stand and tell, and to put an end to the horrible cycle of abuse.

I am so grateful to Kimberly Perry at We Stand Guard to write this book, to get the message out there and to help stop the cycle of sexual victimization of children. Children are our most precious gift and hold the Hope of the Future for our world. We must protect them and Stand Guard together. This book needs to be in every library and in every classroom, and every Sunday School Room across the nation!


By Kimberly Perry 13 Dec, 2023

How does body safety and choosing healthy foods with kids connect? Well, we can practice decision-making, wellness, self-care affirmative feedback and positive body image as it relates to food to name a few, which can lay the foundation for teaching body safety. Because, when we consider our personal nutrition and relationship with food, we connect to our bodies. Supporting children in growing healthy self- images with nutrition, as an example, teaches them self-care - they learn their hearts, minds and bodies are worth it!

Plus, I like to strengthen the WeStandGuard.com content with a variety of other supportive topics beyond body safety, yet so closely related such as self-care.

Check out guest blog by Anya Willis @  Fitkids.info

Nurture Your Children Toward Healthier Choices

Navigating the myriad of lifestyle choices in today's world can be overwhelming, particularly for children. Thus, it's crucial for parents to step in and guide their youngsters toward making healthier decisions. While it’s not always easy, there are several things you can do to make the process fun for your little ones. This article offers a comprehensive set of advice and resources that can assist parents in instilling healthy habits in their children. Let's get started.

Involving Kids in Decision-Making

Involving children in meal planning and grocery shopping can greatly enhance their interest in healthier eating. Giving them a voice in food choices fosters a sense of ownership and encourages them to be open to nutritional options. One effective method is to collaboratively create a shopping list, or you might allow them to help you cook dinner. Another strategy is to allow them to pick out a new fruit or vegetable each week as a way to diversify their palate. These practices not only make children more receptive to healthy foods but also provide valuable learning experiences.

Incorporate Nutritious Foods

Mealtime offers a prime opportunity to enrich a child's diet with nutritious ingredients. Innovative approaches, like blending vegetables into smoothies or adding them to homemade muffins, can make the transition to healthy eating more enjoyable. The goal is to seamlessly weave nutrition into familiar foods , making it less of a chore for children to eat healthily. This creative incorporation aids in acclimating children to better eating practices without compromising on taste.

Encourage Regular Physical Exercise

Physical activity is vital for a child’s overall well-being. Family walks can be a fun and practical way to instill the habit of regular exercise. Moreover, if your neighborhood isn't pedestrian-friendly, look for an area with a high Walk Score of 70 or above to get your daily steps in. Such areas are generally safer and more conducive to walking, making it easier for your family to maintain an active lifestyle.

Foster a Positive Body Image

Media exposure can strongly influence children's views on body image, frequently presenting unattainable standards. Initiating conversations with your children about these media portrayals can help debunk myths about ideal body types. The emphasis should shift from chasing unrealistic images to adopting a balanced, healthy lifestyle. This approach aids in cultivating a positive body image and a healthier self-perception in children.

Ignite Their Interests

Each child has distinct interests that can significantly impact their well-being when explored. Identifying an activity that aligns with your child's passions can imbue them with a sense of purpose. Participation in extracurricular activities, whether it's art, sports, or technology , can enhance their social skills and offer alternative avenues for physical or mental engagement. This focused involvement can be instrumental in promoting a balanced, fulfilling lifestyle for your child.

Utilize Affirmative Feedback

Positive feedback is crucial for children, as it often serves as motivation to continue making good choices. When coming from trusted adults, this affirmation can be especially impactful. Commending your child for making healthy choices, such as choosing fruit over candy or practicing a new skill, encourages better decision-making. This cycle of affirmation and improved behavior reinforces the importance of positive reinforcement in a child's development.

Guiding children to make healthier choices is a long-term commitment that demands both patience and resourcefulness. However, by utilizing the practical tips and methods outlined above, you’re well on your way to setting them up for a future of wellbeing. Foster their interest in nutrition, encourage physical activities, engage them in dialogues about body image, help them find activities they love, and use affirmation as a powerful motivational tool. This balanced approach will enable you to lead your children down the path to a fulfilling, healthy life.

Have a question for the team at We Stand Guard ? Reach out today.

By Kimberly Perry 22 Sep, 2023
What about the problem of sexting leading to sextortion leading to sex trafficking progression? Possibly, much to chagrin of many people recently watching the Sound of Freedom movie, these very real risks do not only happen overseas or far flung parts of the Earth. Sadly, the USA runs rampant with these atrocities, often leading the way in the consumption of it all.
By Kimberly Perry 05 Sep, 2023

What challenges or gaps are you facing as the kids are growing up, which brings change as they transition from childhood to tweeners and teenagers.

In addition to last month's blog on A Look at Self-Care Activities for Kids , here is an interesting look at your own self-care, especially during transitions with kids growing up. In fact, I visited my triplet nephews this past Labor Day weekend and my brother and I were cracking up since their PJ bottoms were like crop pants - they have grown taller as they begin middle school! Surprise!!!

As a follow up to last month, check out Anya Willis' Part 2 guest blog on self-care (see more at https://fitkids.info/ ).  

Life is a roller coaster of changes, from new jobs and relationships to relocations and even crises. As disorienting as these major life transitions can be, they also offer a unique opportunity to reboot your habits and improve your overall well-being. Today, we will provide you with strategies to embrace these transformations and convert life's challenges into stepping stones for a better you, 

Turning Anxiety into Calm

It's natural for stress levels to peak during transitions. However, these moments provide a chance to develop effective stress-management strategies. Start with acknowledging the stressors. Once you identify them, use mindfulness exercises, such as deep breathing or meditation, to mitigate their impact. Incorporating physical activity can also make a significant difference. Exercise releases endorphins, which naturally reduces stress. So, the next time you find yourself overwhelmed, remember to take a step back and focus on your well-being.

Go Back to School

Returning to school is one of the best ways to revitalize your life and open doors in terms of a future career. There are plenty of options out there, as well. For instance, if you’ve ever thought about pursuing an online bachelor's degree in nursing , now is the time. Online nurses are in high demand, and if you’re open to the flexibility that comes with internet-based learning platforms, you can work toward your degree on your own schedule, from the comfort of your own home.

From Concept to Logo

Major life transitions can also offer the ideal moment to venture into entrepreneurship. Begin with research. Understand your target market, potential challenges, and financial requirements. Once you have a comprehensive plan, move to the execution phase. When it comes to establishing a brand identity , create a memorable image using free online logo makers. These platforms offer an array of customizable designs to give your business a professional edge, and a well-designed logo can do wonders for brand recognition.

Fostering Consistency

Adjusting to a new chapter in life often requires a revamped routine. Consistency is the cornerstone of habit formation , and the best way to ensure this is by designing a daily routine that aligns with your newfound goals. This can be anything from a workout schedule to set times for personal and professional growth. Not only does this help in maintaining a balanced life, but it also solidifies the positive changes you aim to make.

Legal and Financial Control through an LLC

If you opt for the entrepreneurial route, forming an LLC ( limited liability company ) is crucial. This legal structure provides personal liability protection and offers several tax benefits. It signifies a critical step towards becoming your own boss, putting you in control of your business and, by extension, your destiny. Consider consulting professionals to help you navigate the complexities of forming an LLC.

Balance Your Caffeine Intake

For many, caffeine is a daily necessity. However, it's easy to go overboard, especially during stressful periods. If you must drink caffeine, take the time to learn more about the different coffee drinks available. Whether it's opting for a lighter roast or mixing in decaf, these choices can help you maintain energy levels without sacrificing sleep quality.

Improve Your Social Circle

Relationships play a crucial role during transitional phases. This is an ideal time to assess your social circle and make necessary adjustments. If certain relationships are toxic, it’s time to distance yourself. Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive individuals can significantly boost your emotional and psychological well-being.

Repair Your Credit

Transitions often have financial implications. Use this time to review your credit report and take steps to fix any inconsistencies or debts. By managing your finances effectively, you lessen stress and lay the foundation for a stable future.

Goals with a Purpose: Mapping Your Journey

Setting clearly defined goals that resonate with your core values is fundamental. They act as a roadmap, guiding you through challenges and keeping you centered. A detailed, step-by-step plan can greatly assist in achieving these goals, and the focus it brings can be an invaluable asset.

The experience of undergoing a significant life transition can be exhilarating, daunting, and enriching all at once. Embracing these transitional phases with purposeful strategies can redefine challenges as opportunities for personal and professional growth. By applying the practices highlighted in this article, you're poised to emerge stronger, more empowered, and ready to seize future opportunities with aplomb.

By Kimberly Perry 18 Aug, 2023
Self-care for everyone!
By Kimberly Perry 22 Jul, 2023
Healthy tech habits for everyone!
By Kimberly Perry 26 May, 2023
What ages are kids being exposed to porn? When to start talking about porn with kids. How to define porn for kids and why definitions are important. Practicing what to do (firedrill technique) How do we get their "buy in? How do we get kids to want to make the right choices? Healthy Screen Habit
By Kimberly Perry 09 May, 2023
Preventing child trafficking is possible.
By Kimberly Perry 17 Mar, 2023
Learn to spot a child groomer and how to protect children.
By Kimberly Perry 01 Dec, 2022
It looks like my November 2022 article titled Some Call it Child P*rnography (rather than CSAM) foreshadowed things to come, unfortunately, per current news about Balenciaga's outrageously wicked "photoshoots" of very young children with BDSM accessories plush bears.
By Kimberly Perry 04 Nov, 2022
Kids cannot consent!

This month is NO PORN NOVEMBER. When you hear reports of pornography's abuse, the law and media may use various terminology to describe the victim of "child pornography" mixed up in prostitution by naming a "young lady" rather than accurately reflecting the actual age by saying a girl, child or minor.

However, there is no such thing as “child pornography” which seems to imply consent - children/minors cannot give consent! Images with any visual depiction of sexually explicit conduct involving a minor (a person less than 18 years old) is specifically called child sexual abuse material or CSAM according to experts in the field.

Nevertheless, pornography of any aged person is sexual exploitation for allsince very often, the acts are real abuse of the women (including children, teens and men) and other “performers” because the industry preys on the vulnerable and eviscerates human dignity.It's a predatory industry since they know pornography can be like a drug with an addictive nature (feels like you cannot stop even if you want to), which changes and harms the brain for buyers and consumers. 

Did you know that 27% of older millennials say they started viewing porn before puberty ( Josh McDowell, The Porn Phenomenon )? In fact, exposing or showing pornography to a child/minor is an example of non-physical contact child sexual abuse, in which abusers may use for grooming kids and teens to normalize abuse. It is not a matter of if but when a child will most likely see pornography and be traumatized (some say average age is 8 yrs). Also, pornographic images of vulnerable men, women, teens and children through coercion or exchange of sexual acts for goods and services is known as sex trafficking.

Furthermore, according to The National Center on Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) , the CyberTipline has received over 82 million reports, reviewed over 322 million images/videos and identified over 19,000 victims of CSAM   - how can this be?! NCMEC says:

"United States federal law defines child pornography as any visual depiction of sexually explicit conduct involving a minor (a person less than 18 years old). Outside of the legal system, NCMEC chooses to refer to these images as Child Sexual Abuse Material (CSAM) to most accurately reflect what is depicted – the sexual abuse and exploitation of children. Not only do these images and videos document victims’ exploitation and abuse, but when these files are shared across the internet, child victims suffer re-victimization each time the image of their sexual abuse is viewed."

How is it usually detected?

The usual way to detect CSAM is when cloud services like Google Photos scan uploaded photos and compare them against a database of known CSAM images. This database is provided by NCMEC and similar organizations around the world. The actual matching process uses what’s known as a hash, or digital fingerprint. This is derived from key elements of the image, and is deliberately fuzzy so that it will continue to work when images are resized, cropped, or otherwise processed.  So, with this process in place,   why is CSAM still happening all over the Internet?

What else are tech companies doing to stop this atrocity on line?

What can we do to dismantle this multi-billion dollar global industry? 
An article  published by business news site, Quartz, tends to agree. The article places the industry’s value at anywhere between $6 billion and $97 billion, with the more realistic estimates ranging from $6 billion to $15 billion (Fight the New Drug blog).

Who are the buyers and consumers of CSAM?

How can you be a voice to free an enslaved child?
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